The following is an excerpt from the Cat Chronicles' world-famous
interview with Rudolf Theodore, the artist's cat:

Cat Chronicles: Hi Rudy, and welcome to the show!

Rudy: Thank you! It's good to be here.

CC: So, tell us a little about yourself, where are you from, what do you do?

R: Well, I am a male, cream-colored tabby, born July 1st, 1997. I live in exciting Massachusetts with my adoptive mom, the artist. Most people call me "Rudy" which is what I always respond to, but I have been called MANY other things: Rudy-the-Cutey-Petuty, Ru-Ru, Rudy-2-Shoes, Rudeleh, Neutron, Funny-Boy, Fuzzy-Face, Sweetie-Pie, Munchkin, Moo-moo, Poopy-doo, Poops, Stinky, Li'l muffin, Sweet Pot-o-honey, Fuzzy-ball-o-joy, Cinnamon-Bun, Cup-cake, Sugar-lump, Pink-nose, Pinky... and of course, my personal favorite, "Fuzzymugwumpus"

CC: But "Rudolf" is your real name, correct?

R: Yes, well originally.

CC: That's really fascinating. Tell the audience, if you would, how did you come to be called "Rudolf" and then eventually "Rudy"?

R: That's a really good question. You see, when they found me, the Pennsylvania Rescue Society picked me up around the winter holidays, in December of '97. I was their "poster-kitten." They have a room full of cats up for adoption, but they kept me by myself in the front office. I guess in the spirit of the holidays, they decided to name me after that reindeer, Rudolf...you know the one with the red nose? It's because I had a pink nose and I wasn't allowed to play reindeer games...or something like that. Anyway, when my mom adopted me, I was already named. See, she wanted to name me "Theodore," formal for "Teddy," because I am so cuddley and I like to hug people when they pick me up, kinda like a teddy-bear. But since I was already named, she felt really bad about changing a name I was so used to responding to. But she doesn't believe in Santa Claus and all that reindeer stuff, so she shortened it to "Rudy".

CC: Huh-huh-huh...that's really cute! So, where are you from originally?

R: Somewhere in Pennsylvannia, (sniffle) as a kitten I was found in a ditch by the side of a country dirt road. I grew up in Baltimore, Maryland, but then we moved to Boston, so now I'm a "Bean-Town Kitty"

CC: Tell us about some of your favorite pastimes?

R: Oh...that's very interesting, it varies quite a bit. Let's see... Chasing and being chased, hide-and-go-seek, chasing my tail, sleeping, napping in a sunbeam, eating soft food, which I don't get anymore, begging, doing "circle-8's" around people's legs, especially when they're wearing black, stealing Q-tips out of the medicine cabinet and leaving a trail of them for Mom to pick up when she gets home, batting around a crumpled up piece of paper, jumping in the bath tub, giving my mommy neck massages before bed, giving mommy baths in the morning, meowing at 5:30am, watching TV in my mommy's lap, getting brushed and pampered...and.....let's see...I'm forgeting something.....oh! randomly licking myself every 15 minutes.

CC: So you lead a pretty clean, pretty conservative life-style. Do you ever party? Do you drink?

R: Water, lots and lots of water. I am fed Pur filtered water, no pun intended. Much to my mother's dismay, I sometimes prefer toilet water. I love catnip...mmm...caaaatnnnip...

CC: Well you look like you keep a regular work-out schedule, you're in such good shape! Tell us, what's your secret?

R: Usually I just nosh on Purina crunchy food...and occasionally vegetables. For my intake of roughage, I prefer plain cat grass, or any other lovely and expensive house plant. Oh, and I do splurge every once-in-a-while, you know, if I am good, I eat Pounce--kitty treats...and when I am REALLY good, my mom lets me lick her dinner plate, or ice-cream bowl. I keep my teeth clean by licking Crest residue from the bathroom sink. I love licking the sink clean after my mom brushes her teeth. As far as a work-out schedule, I like to workout at home. I get plenty of excercise just running around the house, actually...you know, you can get a really good aerobic workout playing hide-and-go-seek, chase, tag. I have lots of toys I play with, my favorite is my "fuzzy," a teddy-bear-like chew toy, I play with that EVERY day. I like string. I like feather ticklers, Oh! And I love to chase balls with bells.

CC: Yes, well that's just adorable, I can see why they call you the "Cutey-Petuty"!

R: Ha-ha-ha...yes, well....thank you.

CC: Now we're going to jump to a different topic: the secret life of Rudy. Tell us, what's different about you? Any fetishes, any favorite places, smells?

R: What's different about me..I have hair all over every inch of my body. Oh and I speak purrfect Meowish, Meownese and Meownderin. A little bit of Gibberish to the birds outside... Ummmm... favorite places...The kitchen, the litter-box....my Kitty-Cozy...Smells, I like anything with cream or milk in it. Oh and I love to read!

CC: Really! That's impressive, what sort of reading material do you prefer?

R: Anything Mom happens to be reading, a good hard-cover book corner makes a great cheek scratcher.

CC: Any favorite movies?

R: I don't go to the movies, but one day I hope to see Stuart Little or Cats...oh wait that's a broadway show...I tend to stay at home and watch what my mom watches, which sometimes tends to be interesting surgical videos, but I really like that Pets.com commercial...that clever dog-puppet, he makes me laugh.

CC: Any favorite sports?

R: Bird-watching, cicada-watching, people-watching...

CC: That's great! Well, let's talk about your personal life. Any special feline love on the horizon?

R: No, but I have a new baby brother who terrorizes me every chance he gets!

CC: So no lady friend, huh?

R: Nope...I am as single as they get!

CC: Well, Rudy, what about the other side of things, what's your favorite time of year, what puts you in a good mood, bad mood...?

R: Summer when the cicadas are out, I love chasing them at the windows. Winter always brings back fond memories... Thinking about when I was adopted. Thinking about that puts me in a good mood. What else? When mommy comes home, being fed and cuddled... I dislike being left alone or, even worse, going to the vet. I also don't appreciate being teased, but people make fun of me all the time-- and they have the claw marks to show for it!

CC: Do people tease you a lot?

R: Milo, my little brother, he chases me around the house A LOT. He's crazy!

CC: How about music? Any favorite tunes?

R: Tutti-Frutti (oh) Rudy, Rudolf the Red-Nosed Kitty, Rudy-Rudy--sung to the tune of Louis-louis, Rudy-Baby, Rudy-Shoes, The Rudy Scoot...

CC: What is the first thing you think of when you wake up?

R: "Time to eat!"

CC: Ha! That's great! I love it! So what about your educational background? Did you have any favorite or not so favorite subjects in school? What do you want to be when you grow up?

R: My favorite subjects are lunch hour, recess, and nap hour. My least favorite, believe it or not, is English... believe me I try, but no one really understands me...I am studying hard though...one day I want to be a lawyer. I do quite a bit of typing. Oh, and I also like to draw pictures with my feet.

CC: Huh! That's wonderful! What are you, a righty or a lefty?

R: Ambidextrous? quadrapawdrous?

CC: Quite a talented lil cat you are!

R: Thank you.

CC: Yes, well, sometimes during these interviews we like to ask the wierd philosophical kinds of questions to find out more about your inner psyche. Do you mind entertaining us with a few answers?

R: Not at all. Go for it!

CC: What is your zodiac sign and do you believe in it?

R: July 1st is my birthday, so--Cancer. I am independent, and I have a pioneering spirit. While I can be a little crabby, or shy and curl up in my little fuzzy shell, I also tend to be very loving and nurturing, 2 of the prominent personal qualities attributed to this sign.

CC: If you could be any kind of gardening tool, what would you be?

R: A lawn meower....ha ha...get it? I made a funny...he hee...e-hem.

CC: What do you think of Oujia boards?

R: You know...I don't think about them, human games are too simple for my taste, I just don't understand what's so entertaining about them.

CC: If you could meet anyone, dead or alive, who would they be?

R: My brothers and sisters.

CC: Is the glass half-full or half-empty?

R: That depends on what time of day it is, my bowl is always empty until I wake Mom up to feed me.

CC: What is your favorite Snapple?

R: My favorite what?

CC: Uh...Never-mind...Well folks it looks like we have run out of time. Rudy, I want to thank you again for taking the time to be on our show today.

R: Well, thanks for having me. It was my pleasure!

CC: That's all for now, folks. Be sure to explore this lovely realm of medical and biological illustration. Until then, this is Cat Chronicles, bidding you meow!